"It's a Bird, It"s a Plane, It's Passive Aggressive Man!!"

 Like Clark Kent, like Bruce Wayne, like Peter Parker, I lived a double life. By day, I was Mike Martineau, mild mannered husband and father, writer for a great metropolitan television show.But in times of stress or conflict, I would change into my superhero alter - ego, "Passive Aggressive Man."

Now, Passive Aggressive Man was much like The Wolfman, or The Incredible Hulk in that my transformation was uncontrollable, like anger overwhelming David Banner and turning him nasty and green. Conflict or anger confronted me and I'd feel the transformation begin...My skin pigment would change. Not to a David Banner/Hulk, bright green, but a subtle fade from my swarthy tones to a more vampiric shade of pale. The cast of "Twilight" would have told me, "Dude, get some sun."

My brain began to slow. If tested at that moment, I'd flunk standard field sobriety tests. No walking straight lines or reciting the alphabet for me. State Capitals? My middle name? Not happening. I was not "Smarter Than a Fifth Grader". I wasn't smarter than a fetus.

So, the impulse to flee, to avoid conflict and problems arose. And suddenly, I was the Usain Bolt of conflict resolutions. There was my answer. Run away! (Best uttered in a high - pitched Monty - Pythonesque falsetto)

Now, every superhero has his kryptonite, and Passive - Aggressive Man is no exception. The key to foiling him is to think counter - intuitively. Your initial impulse in dealing with him will probably be responding with aggressive verbal confrontation or literally, a blunt object That will probably be very satisfying for you in the short term, as Passive - Aggressive Man has resorted to fleeing precisely because he has no response for confrontation. Once you defeat his avoiding techniques, he folds like a house of cards. And, if your choice involves an actual blunt object, you get that tasty added buzz of beating him like a rented mule. (Which has to be weighed carefully against the potential legal repercussions)

The problem is that it doesn't work. Ever. Part of Passive - Aggressive Man's power is in his restorative energy. Much like the earthworm, when Passive Aggressive Man is wounded, he has the ability to regenerate damaged or severed parts, both external and internal. Unfortunately, what he lacks is the ability to learn from the experience, since he believes so completely in his ability to avoid conflict,

Passive Aggressive Man is a potent foe which is why he needs to be handled delicately. Consider this scenario: You have repeatedly asked Passive Aggressive Man to make an appointment for a long overdue medical procedure for him. He has not yet done so, responding that he will do it "tomorrow", "next week" or worst of all, the dreaded, "soon".  How do you handle this? Can you?

The first thing to do is to convince Passive Aggressive Man is to use his powers for good, not evil. If he enjoys comic books, buy him some and if you have a knack for sewing, make him a superhero costume. If you compose music, write him a fanfare that can be played whenever he walks into a room. Make sure the piece is heavy on the brass and if there is a vocal involved, something in the vein of the light opera composition of the old "Mighty Mouse" cartoons.."Here I Come to Save The Day...Mighty Mouse is On His Way!"

Okay, that's a terrible idea, Costumes are never the solution and studies have proven that light opera doesn't deter evildoers. What to do with Passive Aggressive Man? There are many theories. Perhaps it's best to take your cue from Passive - Aggressive Man himself, and his call to action.

"In times of trouble, it's time to say, pack my stuff and run away!!"

The music swells as he ducks into a phone booth and comes out clad in the mask, boots, cape and costume of Passive - Aggressive Man. He leaps into the air and flies off into the dark Metropolis night.